To even begin this one, I have to start all the way from the beginning. This beginning was August 2014.
When I graduated high school I picked the farthest school I possibly could. I went to SUNY Plattsburgh. I fell in love with the distance, the people, the fact that I knew NO ONE there, the exclusivity. I made some wonderful friends there, some I ended up being more than just friends with, some became my roommates, and some I never spoke to again.
After three semesters, I found myself in some awful coping mechanisms. I was binge drinking 3-4 times a week. I wasn’t sleeping. I was angry, sad and on an emotional roller coaster I couldn’t get off of.
Alcoholism runs very high in my family and I’ve always been hyper aware of the genetic aspect of it. So I transferred home to try to get my life a little more together.
When I left, I left the wrong way. I just packed my stuff and drove home at the end of the semester. It was wrong and I knew it, but i needed to wrap my head around the fact that what I had planned for for the last 2-3 years was not happening anymore. I didn’t even tell one of my best guy friends goodbye. He had to find out via my roommate.
Well, I finally decided this year that two years was enough. I made the 4.5 hour drive up to surprise one of my friends for her birthday. (The drive still so sucks)
The surprise was ruined when I ran into her at the liquor store. But she cried, so it was still worth it. There never was any bad blood between us when I left other than a lease being broke. I assumed that since that had gone so well that I wouldn’t have any other problems in the weekend. All my friends that I had “abandoned” would have already graduated, or no longer friends with the people I was, I wouldn’t have to run into anyone else.
Ha, was I wrong.
I ran into one of my closest guy friends. He was borderline one of my best friends at Plattsburgh, due to the fact that he was the nicest guy ever and we spent practically everyday together. I knew that how I left, it would kill him the most. But I didn’t know what to say… I thought he had transferred several semesters ago, and that I wouldn’t even have this problem.
We finally got to say our final goodbye’s to each other. Hopefully, the closed chapter of me and him will help him in more ways than he knows.
The birthday girl decided to travel to Burlington on Saturday. Ironically, where my old roommate lives. My roommate and I were very close, we did EVERYTHING together. We fought like sisters but were always over in it five minutes. We met up on Church Street in Burlington. After 2 years, we quickly caught up. We chatted and wandered. We went and saw her fabulous apartment with her boyfriend and roommate. After a few hours hanging out, we had to head back to Plattsburgh for the surprise party.
Maybe in the grand scheme of things my trip this weekend was to surprise one of my friends. But in the end, it provided me with the closure I needed. I needed to know that all the people I had left behind had forgiven me and had moved on with their lives. I never wished any harm for them ever. My own childish immaturity had gotten in the way of making sure that I could leave with a clear conscious. Don’t get me wrong, I did not stay up at night worrying about them. I knew that they had picked up and moved on with their lives.
Not only did I need the closure from the people up there, I needed the closure of my non-existent degree.
My mom has always pushed us girls to get our degrees, Associates or Bachelors. I was good at school and I loved school. I left HS with this “take the world by storm” attitude. I was going to get a double degree in Journalism and Public Relations. I was going to move to NYC and become a PR specialist in politics. I was going to be big.
I thought I had let my mom, sisters, myself and J down when I graduated from a local community college with an Associates in a completely different field. I still live in my little tiny town, with J. I felt I had let everyone down, myself included.
But after this weekend I learned, I am right where I want to be. I want to have my lousy Associates in a field that I LOVE. I want to live in this little tiny town where I know everyone. I want to curl up every night with the love of my life and our pup.
Maybe Plattsburgh was meant to show me exactly what I wanted and needed wasn’t 4.5 hours away.
In the end, everyone needs closure.